Ironically, I doubt the existence of God on most days. And I’ve read that “hyper-religiosity” is one of those textbook symptoms of mania, but it breaks my heart to think that the connection I felt was false.
The God that I experience in my altered state is so loving and understanding. So profound and all encompassing. He helps me to connect to others with such empathy and compassion. The oneness I feel with God and humanity can bring me to tears. It is incredibly powerful and overwhelming – almost too much to bare.
In fact, I’ve had to tell God in the past, “You know, God, we can’t continue to talk like this every day.”
For the past couple of weeks, he has not been communicating with me. So, I guess I either got what I asked for, or like so many other times, God left the building, because I came down off my high.
There is at least some scientific data about brain chemistry out there that attempts to explain why mania and hyper-religiosity sometimes go hand in hand. I started researching the issue and came across a scholarly article about the neurobiological basis of hyper-religiosity. It went into detail about hippocampal and white matter atrophy. I quickly realized that I was not at all interested in reading about the wasting away of my brain.
And I decided I wasn’t really interested in the scientific explanation after all. The point that I might not understand it aside, I don’t think I would be satisfied by it.
I’ve developed my own conclusion. It’s that God has shown up during my periods of madness in order to take care of me. And while I may be burdened with overwhelming doubt on most days, I will continue to seek a connection with God.
I hope that the real God at least resembles my bi-polar God – because He is just that wonderful.