I feel slightly irresponsible about romanticizing about my manic experiences…but I guess I’m gonna do it anyway.First, I love the self-confidence that comes with the territory – if only it would last. I also enjoy the way my brain fires so rapidly –  I feel intelligent and insanely creative. I even have a sense of humor when I’m manic – for those that know me, being consistently funny is not my strong suit.But one of the things that I miss the most when I’ve come down from a psychotic state is a deep connection to God. When I’m manic, there is no denying His existence. He guides my every step. While not with an audible voice, He communicates with me. And I am very comfortable talking back to him.

Ironically, I doubt the existence of God on most days. And I’ve read that “hyper-religiosity” is one of those textbook symptoms of mania, but it breaks my heart to think that the connection I felt was false.

The God that I experience in my altered state is so loving and understanding. So profound and all encompassing. He helps me to connect to others with such empathy and compassion. The oneness I feel with God and humanity can bring me to tears. It is incredibly powerful and overwhelming – almost too much to bare.

In fact, I’ve had to tell God in the past, “You know, God, we can’t continue to talk like this every day.”

For the past couple of weeks, he has not been communicating with me. So, I guess I either got what I asked for, or like so many other times, God left the building, because I came down off my high.

There is at least some scientific data about brain chemistry out there that attempts to explain why mania and hyper-religiosity sometimes go hand in hand. I started researching the issue and came across a scholarly article about the neurobiological basis of hyper-religiosity. It went into detail about hippocampal and white matter atrophy. I quickly realized that I was not at all interested in reading about the wasting away of my brain.

And I decided I wasn’t really interested in the scientific explanation after all. The point that I might not understand it aside, I don’t think I would be satisfied by it.

I’ve developed my own conclusion. It’s that God has shown up during my periods of madness in order to take care of me. And while I may be burdened with overwhelming doubt on most days, I will continue to seek a connection with God.

I hope that the real God at least resembles my bi-polar God – because He is just that wonderful.


4 thoughts on “God and bipolar disease

  1. I love that you are journaling all of these feelings and experiences. It takes an enormous amount of strength and courage to display the more vulnerable side of ourselves, but I also believe there is an immeasurable potential for relief and valuable self-discovery to be found in simply writing it all down. I hope you’re experiencing both.

    I also believe that as you continue to document your feelings and your reactions to those feelings, that you will fully realize your connection to god, no matter how that relationship is ultimately defined. Positivity to you. Happy Friday.

    • Thank you, Greg. I have a plenty of vulnerability to write about! 🙂 And yes, writing it down and sharing feels really good – especially because everyone has been so incredibly supportive.

      Thanks for sending positivity my way – I can always use more of that:)

  2. You know Niki…what you have written here is perhaps one of the truest explanations of how God’s Grace works with and through us. He is found in the small and everyday and so many times (as I have experienced like you) comes to us when we need Him most. Continue to trust in The Lord because He loves us all beyond our wildest imagination. It’s more than scientific-it’s super natural and not if this world. Peace and may you always have some “bars” on that wireless connection you wrote of so well.

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